“I’ve learned my lesson!” You have? How often are we guilty of using that phrase repeatedly to reference the same “got burned” experience without ever breaking the cycle?
Follow me as we go. . . In Search of Happy Endings
Things are going to change…
I’ll never do that again…
I’m turning over a new leaf…
It’s time for a fresh start…
I’ve learned my lesson…
Guilting of using one, or all, of the above? You’re not alone.
* * * * *
I enjoy watching TV. And, I probably watch more TV than I should. But if the storyline is cleverly fabricated and there is chemistry among the cast, I find myself drawn to the show. LOST gets five stars in both categories for me and apparently I’m not alone in my assessment.
Last season’s finale opens with a character identified as Jacob enjoying freshly grilled fish on the beach. An unnamed man joins him and they both cast their gaze toward a ship poised on the horizon. Conversation is sparked between the two men on the beach:
Jacob: I take it you’re here because of the ship.
Unnamed man: I am. How did they find the island?
Jacob: You’ll have to ask them when they get here.
Unnamed man: I don’t have to ask. You brought them here. . . Still trying to prove me wrong, aren’t you?
Jacob: You are wrong.
Unnamed man: Am I? They come. They fight. They destroy. They corrupt. It always ends the same.
Jacob: It only ends once. Anything that happens before that is just progress.
* * * * *
In life, some things need to be brought to a close so that other things can prosper. It’s a part of life that can be seen through a myriad of common illustrations. A seed must die so that it can grow. A caterpillar must cocoon on the pathway to butterfly-dom. A guy has to leave Huggies behind, if he’s ever going to look good in Levi’s.
In some cases change is natural. But at times, old habits seem impossible to break; even though our desire to turn the page has red lined.
Change is inevitable
I think that’s a quote, but you’ll have to google that one on your own if you really need a source reference. Inevitable though it may be; sometimes the change that is so desperately needed and desired is also the most elusive.
There is no such thing as small change
I’m sure that’s a quote, but again I’m leaving googlization up to you. Small change is progress, but at times progress is a double-edged sword; giving us both hope and an eternal crutch.
Stepping away from change, and all that it may or may not include; let’s put progress in the crosshairs. If you want progress that leads to change, you’ll need to construct a clear definition of progress in much the same way you would if you were participating in a goal setting exercise. (shhhhh. . . that’s exactly what you’re doing)
You will also need to devise a plan to keep you on task with your new definition of progress, remembering that it is only progress if you are moving forward. Planned steps also insure that you won’t fall victim to the backswing of that double-edge sword and let “progress” become a crutch.
* * * * *
Runners don’t start marathons with a goal to hang out at the Gatorade station. The objective is to eventually get to the finish line. Here’s three suggestions designed to serve as road marks in the course:
- Define the terms of conclusion
No goal is ever reached that is not clearly defined. Likewise, how can a runner hope to finish a race in which the finish line is not marked?
This could relate to breaking a habit such as smoking, eating poorly or spending money irresponsibly. It can also encompass how we respond when another person exhibits a certain type of behavior. Change that leads to a desired end result wears many T-shirts. Craft your own mantra and feel the freshness of cotton against your skin.
- Reinforce the strategy of conclusion
Touching a hot stove sends a memorable message, but I’ll guarantee you that there are those who didn’t get that message the first time around. It’s okay. Some shed their Huggies at a slower pace too, but eventually we all respond to the reinforcement of the message.
In the most simple of terms, there has to be an action-reaction plan put into place:
“When I feel a desire to (do this),
I am going to respond by (doing that).”
Over time the need to go potty inspired a desire to do so in a specified location that didn’t come packed 48 to a box. Write out your reaction plan on a 3×5 card (it’s only one sentence long / see bold type above) keep it with you at all times and reinforce it at every given opportunity until it becomes natural. Your reaction will become natural . . . over time.
- Enjoy the benefits of conclusion
Knowing that changes need to be made and struggling with the process is frustrating on many levels. To say, “I’ve learned my lesson,” then repeat the same activity is self-defeating and it takes a little bigger bite out of our spirit each time.
- Employees have left jobs that they actually loved because they could not adjust to the behavior patterns of their boss or a co-worker.
- Marriages that were filled with promise end because small habits are never resolved and eventually become too frustrating to cope with any longer.
- We waste years of our own finite lifetime falling short of our potential because we embrace small change as progress, rather than disciplining ourselves to press to the end.
Open up to “closing time”. Turn out the lights. Lock the door. Turn the sign. Learn the lesson for the last time. Let it go and step into the freedom you crave. Here’s to Happy Endings!
“Every new beginning. . .
comes from some other beginning’s end.”
– Semisonic
From Judy Dunn of SavvyWordPress & CatsEyeWriting:
Mark,
Some interesting points you have made here. What struck me, perhaps because of my training in psychology and my experience as a teacher, was the way we can fail by framing things in negative terms.
For instance, you use, in your second line, “I’ll never do that again.” You are so right about that being the wrong mindset. In the classroom, teachers get better results, not when they tell a student to stop doing something (“Don’t talk when someone else is talking.”), but, when they give a child a replacement behavior (“LISTEN when someone else is talking.”) The child can’t picture the behavior of “not talking” (what does NOT doing something look like), but knows what to do with “listen.”
Also, your action-reaction example rings true. (Think I’ve read that in Tony Robbins’ work, too.) Take a negative behavior and REPLACE IT with a positive. “When I feel like doing _, I’ll do __ instead.”
Thanks for the tips and inspiring thoughts, Mark!
Reply to Judy:
What a great illustration with the student/teacher. “What does NOT doing something look like?” is absolutely brilliant!
And one of these days I’m going to have to pick up a Tony Robbins book. I hear he has penned some phenomenal stuff when it comes to readjusting your mindset into something that produces positive actions and results.
Thank you for reading and leaving comments. They are truly appreciated.
From Judy Dunn of CatsEyeWriting:
Yes, it applies in amazing ways in copywriting, too. I wrote a marketing e-tip about it once.
There was a true story of a farmer in England. He put up a sign outside the fence that said, “Please don’t feed the horses.”
After the sign went up, he noticed that even more people were feeding the horses.
So he took the sign down and put one up that said, “We eat only apples and carrots.” Sure enough, after the change, fewer people fed the horses.
Researchers actually found that inserting negative words into a message actually makes it more difficult for the brain to visualize and process the information. Fascinating stuff.
Reply to Judy:
LOL I seriously thought you were going to tell me that the farmer’s little boy set up a stand selling apples and carrots.
What a great illustration though. Positive instruction as to what behavior is preferred curbs behavior that is discouraged to a far greater degree than simply demanding that behavior change.
From Kate Phillips of Total Wealth Coaching:
Great article, Mark, even if you did drive the diaper metaphor a bit into the ground… (And you reminded me of why I no longer watch Lost… couldn’t figure out what the heck was going on!)
But you raise an important question – are we really ready to let go of the bad habits that don’t serve us? Really? Then when? And if not, why not? If we don’t, we’ll never move towards our goals, but remain hanging out at the Gatorade station.
I find that when we keep complaining about something or creating a situation we say we don’t want, that there is something we are getting out of it, some kind of “payoff.” Or we are avoiding something we fear about what we say we want.
Some coaching questions I use are:
• “What is the payoff for keeping this problem/complaint in your life?”
• “What would be scary about having what you want?”
• and, “What would you have to give up in order to have what you want?”
Sometimes we plant the seeds of our dreams, but keep watering the weeds. We’ve got to learn to pull the weeds to allow our dreams to grow. And not just the bad habits, but the thoughts and feelings that lead to those habits and actions.
Reply to Kate:
Thank you very much for your comments.
You bring up an excellent point of view that I think is very often overlooked: “What would be scary about having what you want?”
That is definately something that we have to work through in order to remove the barrier that stands between us and where we ultimately want to be.
But, I think it is something that is often subconsciously overlooked. I’m glad you brought it into play!
**Comments from Judy & Kate were originally posted thru Biznik
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